The Zipper, The Mirror, and The Bourbon Chaser: Why Your Desire Isn't Broken
The zipper wouldn't move.
We have all been there, haven't we? standing in the closet, wrestling with fabric that used to fit, spiraling into a dark, shame-filled pit where the only logical conclusion is: Well, I guess I’m just never going to be naked in front of another human being again.
That visceral moment—the "closet spiral"—is exactly where this week's episode of Cultivating H.E.R. Space grabs you by the throat.
Hosts Dr. Dominique Broussard and Terry Lomax sat down with Dr. Nikki Coleman, and let me tell you, the energy shifted. Dr. Nikki isn't just a psychologist and sexologist; she is, as her bio suggests, "apple cider on Sunday with a bourbon chaser." And the chaser is strong.
The Body Dysmorphia Trap
What struck me hardest wasn't the clinical advice (though we'll get to that gem), but the raw honesty about the post-pregnancy, post-tenure, peri-menopausal body shift. Dr. Nikki posed a question to herself in that closet that stopped me dead in my tracks:
"So you're just never going to have sex again because you don't like this body?"
It sounds ridiculous when you say it out loud, right? But internally? That is the script so many of us are reading from.
We treat sex as a reward for achieving a certain aesthetic, rather than an experience we are entitled to simply because we exist. Dr. Nikki’s approach to "mirror work"—standing naked, bright lights on, and looking at yourself without flinching—is terrifying. It's also necessary. You can't let a partner love a body you're busy hating.
Google It, Mama
Can we talk about the parenting segment? Because I laughed out loud.
Navigating sex ed with a generation that has the internet in their pocket is... a trip. Dr. Nikki’s story about her daughter asking if penises come in different sizes ("Yes they do.") and then immediately demanding to "Google it" is the levity we needed.
But the underlying point was profound: If you can't talk to your kids about it, they shouldn't be watching it. And if we don't heal our own relationship with pleasure, we are just passing that same silence and shame down the lineage.
The Myth of Spontaneous Desire
Here is where the notebook needs to come out. If you have ever felt broken because you don't just randomly want to tear your partner's clothes off on a Tuesday while doing laundry, you need to hear this.
Dr. Nikki breaks down the difference between Spontaneous Desire (I see you, I want you, let's go) and Responsive Desire.
Most women operate on responsive desire. The engine works fine, but it needs a key.
- The Reality Check: You cannot squeeze your partner's butt while she is washing dishes, thinking about a deadline, and stressing over the grocery list, and expect her to swoon.
- The Fix: You have to turn off the "offs" (stress, mess, exhaustion) before you can turn on the "ons."
Golden Nugget
Dr. Nikki said something about the quality of orgasms that I think deserves to be painted on a wall somewhere:
"Am I going to have one that's gonna leave me with aftershocks for the next 30 minutes? Like, these are the types of orgasms that I want... If you create a set of circumstances where that happens, you're not going to be the one always asking her for sex."
The Verdict
This wasn't just a chat about sex positions or "spicing it up." It was a dismantling of the performance anxiety we carry into the bedroom. It’s about "Orgasm Inequality" and why we settle for "baby gasms" when we should be demanding out-of-body experiences.
If you are tired of treating intimacy like another chore on your to-do list, pour yourself a drink (tea or bourbon, your call) and press play. You might just decide to forgive the zipper.
Listen to Cultivating H.E.R. Space: Uplifting Conversations for the Black Woman: https://podranker.com/podcast/cultivating-her-space-uplifting-conversations-for-the-black-woman